Mwha! Thanks to Elena!!! <3

So Inu-Yasha wasn’t that fulfilling, and I’m still feeling like shit. Matt called earlier and told me he stilled loves me, but that doesn’t mean much. It might have, when we were first going out. Yet, I’m no longer looking for his love…but acceptation. He can love me all he wants, but until he forgives me, it’s just like rubbing in my face how horrible I am, how I don’t deserve him and that I’m always going to end up screwing up. Oh yeah, he’ll love me, but not until I get down upon my knees and beg nightly for his forgiveness. I tried, and all he does is sit on the phone not saying anything. I get no reaction to “I’m sorry”…and I get no words at all. At this point, I suppose I’m not really sad anymore, just pissed that he is so collected, that he can sit all day and not care that I cried on the phone for 12 minutes, and he didn’t even say a thing. Even when I hung up to get his attention, nothing came out of that either. Yeah, oh well. It’s all about him, lets not think about how he embarrassed me at the party. Grabbing my butt like I’m his whore to parade around with. Snapped at me millions of times and completely brushed me off at night when I tried to make up. Lets not forget that he falls asleep with me on the phone, I suppose what I have to say is never important, calls all his friends when were alone because he prefers their company more than mine and just…grrr. Why am I in this relationship when there is so much wrong with me. When he never makes the effort…and everyone glares at me and points fingers, claiming it’s my fault. I want a future, and I want to be me. However, there is no fucking room for that in Matt’s ideas. Fucking Naval Academy and his swimming. I just can’t wait for school to start when all he does is swim and do work, never leaving time for me. I thought last year was bad, but I’m in a whole different situation now. Before I know it, he’ll be carrying around girl’s phone numbers in his wallet again. Maybe they’re just back ups for when I screw up. Never mind, I could rant all night if I had too. I might as well end it now before I get too steamed and say something I shouldn’t.

Happy Thoughts

Ok, so I’m making it into the later hours of the day and morning is well over and done with. This whole not eating thing is a piece of cake, as of now. As for entertaining myself, well, I’ve spent most of my morning either crying or dressing myself up to be rather goth. After that, I did a bit of a happy hour swing dancing by myself to a bit of the oldies. That was pretty hilarious. The whole spinning act sent me to my bed in more tears. You would’ve laughed, because I did. Well, no more crying for me. I put on some fancy make up and I would hate to have that run. And since I have nothing better to do, I might continue with these updates every few hours. Until then, time for Inu Yasha! I’ll kick back, throw my feet up, and enjoy the show all by my little self. Well, maybe not totally alone. I can pray for a handsome Kouga. The good thing about fanaticizing about guys is that you can never disappoint them and that they’ll always forgive you and love you… Who cares if you make them? lol

Currently Listening We Were Here By Joshua Radin The Fear You Won't Fall see related

I'm So Sorry

The Fear You Won't Fall

Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying
I'm breathing in
Come find me
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd call
Thought being alone
Was better than was better than
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
Can't get my mind off of you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

My posts tend to have two moods, happy or sad. Regrettably, today’s update will be sad. Yesterday sucked, and today seems to be following the same tracks. What can I say? Everything is my fault. I don’t deserve a life, and most of all I don’t deserve anyone. After all, I’m a master at screwing both up. However, I’m trying not to let it get to me too much. So I made a mistake and I apologized, but I’m still not forgiven. I’m in the position to not eat or even leave me room until I am, there is always sleep to pass the time. I suppose, the situation is not what makes this post sad, but just the state that I am in. In two seconds I went from my high to a piece of shit, unworthy of a hello or a simple gesture of the hand. I think the safest way of spending my days maybe should just be staying at home.

As for the few that are going to stumble across this entry and feel a heroic urge come about them, please refrain. I don’t need sympathy, and I don’t need phone calls. Honestly, I’m fine enough to stand on my own. I’m not stupid enough, nor do I have the will power, to commit suicide. The only reason why I write on xanga, is because I enjoy to write and just need to get things off my chest. I don’t have the discipline to do it in a book, because my hand starts to hurt after awhile. Typing is the only easy way to go, to speak the truth. And the only other easy way, is not being bothered.